Conversations at work often gravitate toward the negative—that’s a result of defining problems, discussing deficits, what’s going wrong, and yes … complaining.
Our natural inclination towards negative framing is more common than you might think …
But when we start a conversation (about a project, about performance, etc.) through the lens of negativity—even in asking, “What’s the problem?”—there’s really nowhere else to go but further on with more negativity. That’s the nature of depreciative conversations.
The (ahem) problem with a deficit focus and negative tone is that it often drains the energy of those having the conversation. In fact, if the conversation is larger than a handful of people, the negative tone will lead to some people opting out of the conversation altogether. There isn’t much excitement when the foundation of a conversation is negativity. And not much change, either.
“We change best when we are strongest and most positive, not when we feel the weakest, most negative, or helpless,” write Jackie Stavros and Cherri Torres in their book Conversations Worth Having.
The alternative to a deficit focus is positivity, and not nonsense toxic positivity, but the positivity that comes with focusing on strengths. “Positive framing is about intentionally shaping a conversation that invites engagement and produces positive outcomes,” continue Stavros and Torres.
Questions that begin with, “How might we …?”, “How did they …?”, “What do you think …?”, “How do you see it …?”, and “What might be possible …?”, are examples of questions that generate positive dialogue.
The combination of positive framing and generative questions is the foundation of Appreciative Inquiry. “The heart of AI consists of the cooperative search for the best in people, their organizations, and the world around them and that solving tough problems from that perspective results in creative solutions, which is life-giving for people,” write Stavros and Torres.
Appreciative Inquiry is a positive, engaging, and strengths-based approach to the transitions that accompany all organizational change.
And it works.
What do you guess is the ratio of your positive to negative conversations (at work) on any given day?
Here’s a do-it-today challenge to find out:
Get an index card and level one side “+” and the other side “-”.
After each conversation you observe or have -- doesn’t matter long or short, or whether you’re just observing and not participating, or talking to yourself or with someone else -- make a tick mark on the appropriate side indicating the tone of the conversation.
Write a word or two to remind yourself of the tone of the conversation and how it made you feel—excited at the prospect of continued conversation or desperate for it to be over?
Reflect on the day—what did you learn about positive and negative conversations? Calculate your positivity ratio by adding up the total positive vs. negative conversations. If the ratio is less than 3:1, it might be time to change your approach.
Adapted from Conversations Worth Having by Jackie Stavros and Cheri Torres
To improve your conversational dynamics, begin by reframing conversations through a positive lens. Positive framing shifts the focus toward where you want to go or what you want to achieve more of, rather than dwelling on problems. While a negative frame fixates on issues, a positive frame concentrates on the beneficial outcomes that result from addressing these challenges.
Next, make a conscious effort to adopt an attitude of curiosity in every interaction. When we approach conversations with genuine interest, we naturally ask more generative questions. These types of inquiries foster trust, boost engagement, create energy, and build momentum to propel in a positive direction. Remember those question starters mentioned earlier? They're an excellent place to begin:
- How might we …?
- How did they …?
- What do you think …?
- How do you see it …?
- What might be possible …?
